I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
