If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
