I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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