in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I did not marry a roomba.
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