the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Randomize
