Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
