hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
