Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
