Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
