Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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