We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
