Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
