Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm too high and old for this...
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