I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
