Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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