You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
COCAINE IS GR8
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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