I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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