the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Dear god my vagina.
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