I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
