Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
