I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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