i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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