The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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