i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
