hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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