All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
