Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
