I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
