This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
