she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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