my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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