Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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