once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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