census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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