just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
