the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
