I want to stick my p in your. b.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
