Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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