hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
