dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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