Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Randomize
