U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
