If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
