if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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