It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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