The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
