I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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