final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
