my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
