im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
