I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize