is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Randomize
